I watched this documentary today. I have to admit, I sat there bawling like a child the whole time. No, really, I did. As a future teacher of students, I was appalled to see that so many kids are falling through the cracks in the education system. Not only that, but it brought out and basically fried-under-a-magnifying-glass, my worst fear about having children myself.
I will probably never be a parent. Not because I hate kids or anything, but mostly because I feel like I am going to fail my kids. What happens if I don't put them in the right school? What happens if they go out and do something stupid that affects their entire future? What happens if I can't be there for them in the way that they need me most? What happens if I'm just not the parent they deserve?
I can't tell you why I feel this way. I can't even tell you why it started. I know it's been a fear of mine since I was in second grade or so. I tell people I'm not ever going to have kids. I tell people that if I do want kids, I'll adopt. And while this seems like a noble idea, I can't tell you that all the intentions behind it are pure. Maybe I want to save a kid whose life sucks and try my best to make it better. I do. But, maybe I just feel like if their life sucks so much already, they won't mind as badly when I screw up as a parent.
I know this argument is way premature. I even know it probably sounds irrational, but I had to get it off my chest. It's one of my darkest secrets/fears. If you're reading this, I'm trusting you to keep it safe. I hate feeling like I'm going to let my family down by not having any kids, and I know I tell them it's because I want to be able to travel, but it's not. I just don't want to fail anyone. Especially someone that I may happen to bring into this world. They don't deserve that. They don't have any choice in the matter. What did they do to me to deserve that? Honestly. I'm sorry Grandma, Grandpa, Mom, Dad and Michaele. I don't mean to hurt your guys' feelings. Grandma and Grandpa, I know you're looking for great-grandkids out of me. You've already said it. You even looked disgusted when I told you I didn't want kids. I'm sorry that I'm failing you because I'm afraid of failing my potential kids.
:raises glass for a toast: Failure all around, boys. Failure all around.
...and, uh, potential future kids, if you're reading this; I do already have your names picked out. And I do love you (if you ever come to exist). Please let me know if I'm screwing up as a parent. I'll do my best to change, I promise.
