Summer Lovin'

I love summer. I especially love the water during the summer. You'd think that I'd have learned after 5 sunburns I would have learned to stay out of the sun, but I love it so much. It makes me wish I was back in Pullman. I miss home. Yeah, that's right, I said it. Pullman is home. I miss it more than I have ever missed any other place. It feels like I was supposed go there and I thank God each and every day that he made it possible/happen.

Speaking of what God has made in my life, I got my church scholarship! :) I am so absolutely blessed. Not to go all religious guru on you guys here, but I think someone is watching over me up there. He has also been watching after a good friend of mine for some time now. Colin is serving overseas, and has been for the past 10 years. He was supposed to be coming home last week, but his helicopter got hit... So now he's in need of some prayers and well wishes. He's injured, but he's going to be okay once he recovers.

I've loved working at Ross so far this summer. I actually really like retail. I'm going to try to work at the Bookie during the school year now that I have retail experience. I think I will like it a whole lot more than I like my food job. And it's going to be closer to my dorm this year. I wonder what it takes to get a job there. I'm almost too exited for band camp to even think about anything else right now, but I'm trying. :P

Anyway, I feel like I haven't rambled in a while, so there you have it. I'll try to update this a little more frequently.

<3 Weebs

Waiting for Superman

I watched this documentary today. I have to admit, I sat there bawling like a child the whole time. No, really, I did. As a future teacher of students, I was appalled to see that so many kids are falling through the cracks in the education system. Not only that, but it brought out and basically fried-under-a-magnifying-glass, my worst fear about having children myself.

I will probably never be a parent. Not because I hate kids or anything, but mostly because I feel like I am going to fail my kids. What happens if I don't put them in the right school? What happens if they go out and do something stupid that affects their entire future? What happens if I can't be there for them in the way that they need me most? What happens if I'm just not the parent they deserve?

I can't tell you why I feel this way. I can't even tell you why it started. I know it's been a fear of mine since I was in second grade or so. I tell people I'm not ever going to have kids. I tell people that if I do want kids, I'll adopt. And while this seems like a noble idea, I can't tell you that all the intentions behind it are pure. Maybe I want to save a kid whose life sucks and try my best to make it better. I do. But, maybe I just feel like if their life sucks so much already, they won't mind as badly when I screw up as a parent.

I know this argument is way premature. I even know it probably sounds irrational, but I had to get it off my chest. It's one of my darkest secrets/fears. If you're reading this, I'm trusting you to keep it safe. I hate feeling like I'm going to let my family down by not having any kids, and I know I tell them it's because I want to be able to travel, but it's not. I just don't want to fail anyone. Especially someone that I may happen to bring into this world. They don't deserve that. They don't have any choice in the matter. What did they do to me to deserve that? Honestly. I'm sorry Grandma, Grandpa, Mom, Dad and Michaele. I don't mean to hurt your guys' feelings. Grandma and Grandpa, I know you're looking for great-grandkids out of me. You've already said it. You even looked disgusted when I told you I didn't want kids. I'm sorry that I'm failing you because I'm afraid of failing my potential kids.

:raises glass for a toast: Failure all around, boys. Failure all around.

...and, uh, potential future kids, if you're reading this; I do already have your names picked out. And I do love you (if you ever come to exist). Please let me know if I'm screwing up as a parent. I'll do my best to change, I promise.

Updated. :)

Well, the second semester of my freshman year is almost over, and I can't believe it's gone by that fast. I was talking to Pedro this morning and she said to me, "Doesn't it feel like yesterday was August 15th?" Yes, yes it does. I remember every triumph and trial I have had along the way and it is both rewarding and saddening to think that I have made it through so much in such a short period of time. All of a sudden I am being bombarded with summer and what I'll do and what I need to do and it feels unbelievable and yet relieving that the sun is on the way. I just went through that orientation, right? I can't believe that time seems to be flying so fast. Where did that year go?

And on the other hand, I am still excited that the time does indeed pass so fast. It gives me reason to believe that this next year of waiting will go by quickly and I will not miss him as much. (no spoilers on this yet).

I have named my fish. He is named Hitler. Ashley named hers Stalin, and Abbie's- Napoleon. I cleaned Hitler's tank yesterday and he seemed unimpressed. I think one of his snails died as well. He probably ate it.

Finals week is on the porch and I'm dragging my feet and hoping it makes time slow down enough so that I don't have to deal with it as soon. There are only 3 actual finals for me. I hope I do well. Here's to all of you who are taking finals soon. Good luck and thanks for a wonderful first year.

<3 Weebs

Going Into the Direction of Directionless

I wonder if there's a good song for what I'm feeling, because if there was, I'd be listening to it right now.

Let's break this down:
Content
Scared
Anxious
Excited
Stressed
Unproductive
Inspired
Sore
And a little lost... And just to let everyone know what's up: here's an explanation of it all :)

I am honestly, overall, content with my life right now. I have amazing friends. I have good grades. My job is no longer killing me. I am doing things on a daily basis to make myself happy; little things. I am a little scared that I'll end up doing something stupid last minute, so I've been taking preventative measures to keep that from happening. I'm doing homework early and well (I think), I'm even spending extra time studying. I'm anxious for Friday for a reason I can't say on here in case the person involved happens to look here every once in a while... and I'm excited for the same reason. I'm a little stressed with the whole financial situation at the moment. Spring Break killed me. :( I'm feeling a little unproductive today, but I have mostly everything done... except that laundry... Yeah, that needs to happen. And I'm also inspired. I've played my flute and it was the best feeling I've had in a while. I missed it so much. His name is Friend and I forgot how loyal he was. <3

And the sore thing is a completely different story altogether... Yesterday was "One Day Without Shoes" and I participated. Basically, you go an entire day without wearing shoes. This is to raise awareness for people in countries who don't have shoes and are susceptible to illnesses that are given to them through their feet. It is a day created by TOMS. I walked up and down hills all day, went to class, across streets, through Walmart, and even through the CUB without shoes. I didn't realize how lazy shoes make us... because today I am definitely sore. I think I used more muscles in my legs yesterday than I usually do working out. XD It hurts so good.

And last, and more prevalent in my life right now is the feeling of being lost. Do you ever wonder if college is really worth it in the end? I do sometimes, and then I always find my way back to the conclusion that I was meant to be here and it's better for my future. Sometimes, I do wonder though.

On a completely unrelated note: I got a fish. He is awesome and white, gray, and red. I love him. I don't have a name for him yet. Picture to be posted soon. :)

<3 Weebs

Here's to you, Mom.

I know that growing up, you would've changed our situation if you could have, but it has made me who I am today. Looking back on everything, the only thing I would've changed is the pain it caused you sometimes when you couldn't afford to get me presents for Christmas, and instead, I told you to buy my siblings things because they didn't understand. The pain of not being able to afford everything you needed after you took care of what everyone else needed. The pain of not being able to visit because you just couldn't make it work out. Never forget this; I understand.

I know what it's like. I was there with you every step of the way. I learned from a young age a whole lot of lessons that most people don't learn until they are forced out of the nest. And while some people see this as a bad thing, I can honestly say it has made me a strong woman. It has been painful, it has been trying, but look at it this way: the overall lesson you taught me was that all anyone needs to get by is love. And that is the most valuable thing anyone could have ever given me. That's right. Just that one piece of advice. That's simple beauty for you, right there.

It has also taught me a lot about how to spend money wisely. Because I was there on that Christmas that the firefighters helped us. I kept smiling through the whole thing for the benefit of my brother and sister, even when I wanted to cry. You have taught me to not waste money; contrary to popular belief, I will only ever buy what I need. I also spend money on others more freely than I do on myself. As a poor college student, this little life lesson has enabled me to go to the grocery store and buy somethings that are cheap and not commonly combined, and then I can turn it into a delicious dish and I can't thank you enough for teaching me how to be creative and not picky. I know we always gave you shit about how your "creations" were inedible, but I can't think of many that I honestly didn't like. Don't ever stop creating. You make beautiful things.

I also have learned to look at people with more than my eyes. I don't necessarily see someone, I feel them, in a sense. You have taught me to never discriminate, even when that seems to be the easiest answer. I find beauty in everything, and that's all thanks to you. I know how to love with my entire heart, and even though that leaves me vulnerable and easily hurt, I don't think I would change it for the world. It shows people who I really am and if they break that trust, then it's more a shame on them than it is for me, because I can honestly say, at the ending of every new beginning, I have tried my hardest and given it my all. It has given me a cheery disposition and I make friends easily because of it. You are one of the most beautiful people I know.

You have taught me to inspire and be inspired easily. You have always been there for me, whether it was standing in the rain, holding a picture of your children as you went into complicated brain surgery, or if it was just having those 'mom-senses' that sense when I need you most. I go into everything I do with optimism and hope that it'll turn out okay, even if it seems like it's impossible to accomplish. There is nothing that I want to do that feel like I just can't make it happen. And that is how simply beautiful life is.

I just had to get this off my chest. I want you to know that it's never too late to thank someone for what they have given you, even if it isn't material possessions. So here's to the moms that think they screwed up at some point. You have strong, beautiful children that will always love you. And you have taught them lessons that, even though they can be painful, are valuable later in life. To my mom: you are beautiful, and I love you no matter what. There will never be a day that I don't need you. You can ask my friends, I tell them I need my mommy all the time, even if I don't call you about something. Usually it's because I don't want you to feel sad that you can't be here to kiss it and make it better like you did for the 18 years previous to this one. I love you, Mom. You are crazy, beautiful, irritating, nurturing, and most of all, you're mine.

A good cry, A good bunch of friends, and A lesson on being productive.

I haven't cried like I just did in a very long time, and I must admit that it's only been building. You see, I'm not overly religious, but I do miss my church and congregation from back home. There's just something about the way the church lobby smells like wood and new construction... There's something about the way that the ancient pews creak when everyone sings. I miss it. I never thought I'd be the one to say this, but I actually miss having a relationship with God. I must need to go to church. Thanks, God, for sending me that sign.

I do have a fantastic group of friends, though, and they are incredibly supportive. Last week, I broke up with a boyfriend, of sorts, and my friends have been there for me every step of the way. There's also something that I must blog about because it's something that struck me as particularly moving. I was talking to Token the other day and he said "Hey, Weebs, we should hang out more often." and then his girlfriend and her cousin chimed in with "Yeah! You should." And surprisingly, they make me incredibly happy. I've never found unlikely friends to be so entertaining and open. They are wonderful people and they make me thankful everyday that I said yes to taking chances I normally would have passed on. Sure, they might be a little (one might say) impulsive, but I like to say it's spontaneous fun. I am constantly laughing and being my own geeky self. I love it. Since I took the chance, I have found myself being invited and hanging out with them everyday. So, in perspective, I looked back on the whole ordeal and everything that has happened to me since starting college.

If I hadn't been in Southside at the very moment that I walked in, I would have never met my best friend, Pedro. We would have never talked about how we hate sweating, and she would have never even gotten the chance to know me... or would she? Who knows? And Token; if Don had made him play tenor, I would have never gotten the chance to hate his guts for a few days until he warmed up and actually started talking. We would have never walked home together and started talking about WoW. He would never have become my best friend. And Voldy. If she had never invited Pedro and I to come with to Cougar Country for her birthday, we would have never become bro-sisses when she switched to tuba. Voldy would have never come to dinner with the bros that night and I would have never suggested that she become one of us. In fact, Pedro and Token were somewhat opposed to it at first, but with me and Voldy, it's always been love at first sight. ;) There's just a long chain of events that could have been entirely different if ONE tiny thing had changed. It's amazing to think about, isn't it?

And finally, a well-learned lesson on productivity. When you're sitting on your computer, nothing gets done. As you can tell by this blog post. I have started writing my GenEd essay, but only because I turned off the computer and actually went oldschool (insert unnecessary "yo"). I took out a SHEET OF PAPER (omg) and a PENCIL (audible gasp) and wrote for a good 3 hours. I didn't know I could still do that. It was like the WASL all over again... or maybe just an SAT/ACT/AP test. I actually got a lot done. So, on a slightly related note, okay, highly related note, I'm going to turn Emmabelle off and go back to highschool for a  few hours. :)

Until next time;
<3 Weebs