Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Here's to you, Mom.

I know that growing up, you would've changed our situation if you could have, but it has made me who I am today. Looking back on everything, the only thing I would've changed is the pain it caused you sometimes when you couldn't afford to get me presents for Christmas, and instead, I told you to buy my siblings things because they didn't understand. The pain of not being able to afford everything you needed after you took care of what everyone else needed. The pain of not being able to visit because you just couldn't make it work out. Never forget this; I understand.

I know what it's like. I was there with you every step of the way. I learned from a young age a whole lot of lessons that most people don't learn until they are forced out of the nest. And while some people see this as a bad thing, I can honestly say it has made me a strong woman. It has been painful, it has been trying, but look at it this way: the overall lesson you taught me was that all anyone needs to get by is love. And that is the most valuable thing anyone could have ever given me. That's right. Just that one piece of advice. That's simple beauty for you, right there.

It has also taught me a lot about how to spend money wisely. Because I was there on that Christmas that the firefighters helped us. I kept smiling through the whole thing for the benefit of my brother and sister, even when I wanted to cry. You have taught me to not waste money; contrary to popular belief, I will only ever buy what I need. I also spend money on others more freely than I do on myself. As a poor college student, this little life lesson has enabled me to go to the grocery store and buy somethings that are cheap and not commonly combined, and then I can turn it into a delicious dish and I can't thank you enough for teaching me how to be creative and not picky. I know we always gave you shit about how your "creations" were inedible, but I can't think of many that I honestly didn't like. Don't ever stop creating. You make beautiful things.

I also have learned to look at people with more than my eyes. I don't necessarily see someone, I feel them, in a sense. You have taught me to never discriminate, even when that seems to be the easiest answer. I find beauty in everything, and that's all thanks to you. I know how to love with my entire heart, and even though that leaves me vulnerable and easily hurt, I don't think I would change it for the world. It shows people who I really am and if they break that trust, then it's more a shame on them than it is for me, because I can honestly say, at the ending of every new beginning, I have tried my hardest and given it my all. It has given me a cheery disposition and I make friends easily because of it. You are one of the most beautiful people I know.

You have taught me to inspire and be inspired easily. You have always been there for me, whether it was standing in the rain, holding a picture of your children as you went into complicated brain surgery, or if it was just having those 'mom-senses' that sense when I need you most. I go into everything I do with optimism and hope that it'll turn out okay, even if it seems like it's impossible to accomplish. There is nothing that I want to do that feel like I just can't make it happen. And that is how simply beautiful life is.

I just had to get this off my chest. I want you to know that it's never too late to thank someone for what they have given you, even if it isn't material possessions. So here's to the moms that think they screwed up at some point. You have strong, beautiful children that will always love you. And you have taught them lessons that, even though they can be painful, are valuable later in life. To my mom: you are beautiful, and I love you no matter what. There will never be a day that I don't need you. You can ask my friends, I tell them I need my mommy all the time, even if I don't call you about something. Usually it's because I don't want you to feel sad that you can't be here to kiss it and make it better like you did for the 18 years previous to this one. I love you, Mom. You are crazy, beautiful, irritating, nurturing, and most of all, you're mine.